Life: Looking Back, Looking Forward

Thank you so much. Osso (I hate to tell you, poor thing, but) you are a bit like me. I basically did tell the friend and the BF exactly what you'd said. I did wish the friend well.

The thing is I really like the Italian...it's more than like...these words and their meanings are so irritating. I care very deeply for him. I have just discovered I chafe mightlily under the live-in arrangement with him. The criticisms have a snowball effect...and you find you are tense in anticipation of what will be said---and it colors YOUR personality.

He took it very well. I told him to hang around and figure out what he wants to do. As long as he treats me well (and bites his tongue a bit more) I think we can enjoy the time together until he leaves.

Thanks again. (I was actually wondering if this more detached relationship may be a good thing.) I wonder if living separately here might work... He thinks we belong together. He said I'll miss him. I know he's right.

I just think a person's home should be where they are completely at ease. When you see and feel constant judgment from the person you live with, it causes a bunker mentality. There's nowhere safe to go.

Yeah. Home as bunker doesn't work.
You'll figure out what you think about the separate places business.
Some of my decision making mode is - to try things on in my mind, and see if I continue to have the same opinion the next day and the next..
Not that I've ever been such a smart decider, but there it is.

I am discovering I'm quite spoiled and self indulgent these days.

I'd really like him in my life. Just not in my apartment.

ugh

Thanks, osso.

My dream relationship - close enough, but not behind the same front door.

(there have been threads about this - some of us do better at a slight distance)

We're all territorial, and since he moved into your place, you're
less likely to accept the intrusion that easily. Remember when you
were at his place and misplaced something? He got mad at first!

Now the roles are reversed, and you feel crowded. That's perfectly
normal, Lash. You two just need to take a step backwards and start
dating, in the old fashioned way. You two met, moved in together
and had no time to adjust to each other slowly. Give yourself
some time, and things will fall into place again, if he's the right guy
for you.

It's just a matter of "too fast and too soon".

<thinking> I can envision adopting an attitude of “adore me or f uck off, and I mean that in the nicest way” were I feeling constantly judged by my husband.

Which sounds funny when I say it aloud, with pressured speech and the right inflection, but looks glib/harsh as I write it.

And yet, I'd mean it. Mostly.

Thanks, ladies.

CJ--you always give me something to think about, thanks. Very sensible...and the "too fast" (rueful smile)...point taken...

Joe--You made me laugh...I always feel so supported by you. I can't thank you enough for that. You are such a sistahgrrl.

I'm all psychoanalyzing myself over this (something I do pretty often). I was constantly criticized by my mother, and I'd forgotten what it was like ---until now. My special relationship with STRESS started young--because of her constant disappoval (with EVERYTHING). I think if I didn't have such a big history with it, I wouldn't be cracking under it so badly now.

I also have a history of shutting down on people for self-preservation (or my perception of it...) (goes to visit Dr. Freud...)

ehBeth---(nods, hugs) I almost called you a few days ago about this. You really dodged a bullet...

Lash, have just been reading your thread. I hope it goes your way and if it doesn't, make it go your way! Time and life are too short not to, but I understand it can not be easy.

I too lost my husband but very recently, I have two children 12 and 10 and I am around about the same age as you. Evenings on your own are no fun but I am still going through the pain. So whatever you decide is your choice and I am sure it is a wise decision not taken lightly.

Good luck X

I remember threads about this too. Not, unfortunately, their titles.

Well, as some of us near 100, we get a tad set in our ways. Mate criticism is a habit too. Constant, or seeming constant, crits take the air out of a space, ha, expecially if it is your space, when, y'now, people are mostly the way they are and are going to be.

One can say how behavior affects one, and people can become more thoughtful, but a whole deal of mate-changing is, to me, a giant waste of precious time. And, annoys the mate.


(also loved JoeBlow's response)

Reading along.

"I love him, I just can't live with him" is more common than you may think.

You (and Tulip) are working through things better than many of us would hope to.

You are both strong women that inspire many.

So kind, squinney. Thank you so much.

I am so fortunate to have such caring advice and funny girlies.

Hey Hey

Been reading along with this thread for a while... thought I'd put my tuppence worth it too if that's k.



You know one of the things about "going it alone" is that you aren't answerable to anyone....

The other day in the morning (too early for me!), the doorbell rang, I was too tired to go and get myself downstairs and answer it and thought, well, if it's that important the person will phone me and say they are outside. Which they didn't! However, they did wander around the outside of the house and looked through the windows and through the french doors in the kitchen. The nite before I had had a delivery from the supermarket and hadn't put all the stuff away - there was bleach and loo rolls, tins of spaghetti hoops, toothpaste - "stuff" all over the table - the kitchen looked like a twister had gone thru it. It was great!

So - then I got a message later on in the day saying "you kitchen is a tip - it needs tidying" - well I laughed my sox off. Because NOW - if I want to leave the shopping out 'til the next day, or the dishwasher loaded with clean dishes, or the laundry in the basket, or.... anything really - well, I CAN!!!!!!!!!!! AND I can do that just because I CAN - not even for any other reason. Which is actually kinda nice. (The person sending the message is also on their own and is enjoying being able to do that too - so it was a nice message)!

Now - when it get's to the long lonely evenings, and the times you really wanna hug and you just want to sit down and talk your day thru with that "one" person who you don't have in your life - well, that's a whole different matter. That hurts and it's sad and can be very lonely.... and tiring doing it on your own.

I guess, living each day, trying to live it the best way you can, not looking too far into the future and just ensuring that what you do is the best thing you can do at the time... well, to me, that's the way to go right now. I’ve got used to my own company now and actually enjoy it - I hadn’t had it for nearly twenty years - it’s a new learning curve. And gosh - at times in my previous life I thought - goodness knows how “he” lives with me - I couldn’t live with me! Now - I don’t think that anymore. Whoever may be part of my life in the future - will have the “me” I am comfortable with and will love me for who I am. I’m lucky to know what love is - and would adapt my life to share it with another - but not at a cost of being “true to me”. I don't feel the same worries I used to - no regrets, just each day as it comes.


Lash - I don’t know you - but, it’s hard starting over again when you have got used to your own ways. It is all about compromise when you are with someone "new"- but you also have to go with your “selfish” needs to - if you worry about being in your home and having to make it work when it is your safe haven - then “working” so hard at something will take it’s toll. I’m sure you will come up with the solution as time goes on… meantime… keep talking away…

You've come so far and jumped many hurdles - have some fun girlie -

Date the fella - do that scene… and then work onto the next one…

Oh Izzie! I don't think I've interacted with you before, but you are scrumptious! Thank you so much for taking the time to share that! (Putting it in the hopper!) I have been having the Hugging on the couch vs. not answerable argument with myself...

Captain's Log 6/7/08:

We broke up (if you can call it that) three times since my last post here. He is patient and hurt each time: I am obviously a nutjob.

This seems to me like Advanced Iraqs. I really think I am so subconciously horrified at the prospect of being sincerely emotionally invested and then dumped, that I am doing this stuff at every succeeding juncture of a deepening of my feelings for him.

(Translation: when I realize I care more about him than before, I break up with him.)

We survived the last spate of break-ups and moved out of the ghetto, and into a really sweet apartment. It has little vestiges of the home I used to dream of when I was a girl. Nestled beneath a shady canopy of towering trees, a cool oasis,...covered in ivy and (shakes head even now, disbelieving) there is a sweet footpath alongside the house, leading to the back yard--a jungle of ivy, spread out thickly all over the yard, climbing the trees, stretching across powerlines.. In the center of the backyard, there is a sunny spot, just the right size for sunbathing, but what I love most is the deep cool of the shade that surrounds that sunny place. It's dreamy. The apartment is mostly dark and cool. Beyond our little patch of yard is the thickest jungle of trees and ivy and kudzu. The fireflies are dazzling at night.

Anyway, my pattern of Iraqs seems to be out of control. I am sabotaging this relationship, and I seem powerless to stop myself. We don't argue. We're very nice to each other almost always. But, then I sleep on the couch--because it's cooler in the den... (I couldn't honestly tell you why I'm doing it, but that I feel uncomfortable in the bed with him. I do know it's nothing he's doing. It's something with me. Maybe as simple as wanting to sleep alone--being used to it--or some lurking intimacy problem. I am having intimacy problems.

(laughing at myself for analyzing me all the time)

Don't worry, this can't go on much longer. I'm beginning to make myself want to puke over it. haha

I am going to learn to relax.
I am going to learn to relax.
I am going to learn to relax.
I am going to learn to relax.


I may need strong drugs for this.

So, I am (tears in eyes) really liking him much more than before. He's a sweet, good man. Reliable, caring, honest, tender. And, I am very afraid. I'm thinking I should blame this on my mother.

Well, sweetie, do blame it on your mother--don't most women? Besides, you have half of her genes.

Having met both of you in person, I can easily understand how distracting, even devastating this must be. There really isn't anything to add to all the good advice--I will just stress that you need to be true to yourself.

I've known couples who purposely live apart. I knew one woman who lived next door to her boyfriend and they were perfectly happy. Money could be a drawback, though.

You and the (sweet) Italian, are wonderful together, I loved just watching you, but you are also quite different with a few important differences in what you want out of life. If that can be worked out, there is a chance. If they can't, cut your losses.

Why don't you come out here, alone or with the Italian, and simply rest on the patio and talk when you need to. Anytime, sweetie, you know the offer has no expiration date.

Oh, you are such a darling. I'd love to be able to come back and relax with you--you are such a sweet, beautiful pussycat.

Thanks for the support, D.

Depending on when I start teaching, I'll be there to eat a bowlful of green salsa with you, the Cowboy and the artist. I loved the area (and the company) and that breakfast!

I'll either bite the bullet and start teaching as an apprentice at a lower salary--(to have SOME money and health insurance)--or power through the Master's and be poor and uninsured for another year...pah!

At any rate, I will be getting the MAT, I just don't know exactly when...My travel plans will coincide...haha.

Thanks, darlin'.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh Lash - oh girlie - I don't know you at all but I read the post up above your last .... you're on a major struggle session a? Welcome to my world - though our situations are kinda polar opposites. Oh so much I could write - but gonna have to think on it before I write it. Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooh - gosh - wishing you well and hope you can sort your head out.... I'm working on the "moving forward" bit at the moment so don't wanna hijack here - but may put some stuff across - if I can think of the right words - (cr*p at that - say too much without engaging my brain first) - so.... will be back.

You're making progress though, Lash. You moved into an apartment
together and you're willing to work on the relationship. Backing off in fear of being hurt is all to normal, especially given your history.

He's a good guy, willing to stick around and hopefully you both can
work through the rough edges. Perhaps you two should consider
couple therapy in order to overcome the nasty patterns and pitfalls any relationship can have. One is all too eager to fall back into familiar
patterns that aren't necessarily proactive for a nurturing and caring
relationship.

You can do it!!

Well maybe - maybe not. Why do you think you care more about him than before? Does something happen to make you think that - translation: do you break up with him and then realise you do want to be with him OR do you realise you care about enough to commit to him and then break up with him?

You said “care more about him than before……… before what????

Do you ever consider he may not be the right person for you?
Do you want him to be the right person for you?
Do you push him away/break up to “test” the boundaries to see if he will keep coming back to you - therefore, then knowing that what you are “emotionally investing” is worth it. (do you see what I mean there?) If he sticks around - you can take the chance. If he doesn’t - then subconsciously/consciously you have already started to get over it because you didn’t allow yourself to “invest” in it.

K - speaking as someone who knows absolutely nothing about you or your situation or your fella…







K - are you a romanticist (is that the right word) - well, that’s how it appears to me - and I am talking as the Chief Romanticist In The Whole Wide Ideal Little FairyTale World I would like to be living in - so laughing - if only things were that simple. :wink: You sound as tho you have your little dream…. as we do…. yet, it’s not the perfect “relationship” - if it was, you wouldn’t question it. But, there is NO perfect relationship. It’s like, there’s a little bit missing somewhere - it’s not all fitting together quite the way it should - if it was - then you would be moving forward without the spate of break-ups every so often. Again, that kinda leads me back to thinking - is it a conscious thing to break-up to “see if it’s for real” - to see if the relationship is real enough to commit too.




Oh hunni - that’s all lovely, but is it “real” - not everyone has to argue, but to be nice most of the time I think often takes more work than just saying what’s really going on. Maybe if you spoke to him about your feelings of what you consider “sabotaging” before it got to the break-up (which must be a bit of an emotional rollercoaster in itself) - maybe your insecurities of that emotional investment would be easier to deal with. I dunno. I’m off on a ramble here (as I do) and may be completely wrong.




See, to me, that sounds as if things just aren’t right at this very moment (gosh, aren’t I the most unhelpful person here a?) - to me, it sounds as tho you are just not comfortable with being with him - no matter how nice and kind and loving he is…. Maybe it’s just not right for you. As I said before, it’s all about compromise being in a relationship. He sounds like he is prepared to listen to you, prepared to wait around for you to “know” if it’s going to work or not - he sounds as tho he really does want this to work - now you have to figure out what it is you want. I don’t know the other people on this thread either, don’t know your history - so, this is coming from a complete outsider with a different perspective, which may or may not be useful to you. Meant with good intention tho. Honestly.

If he truly loves you - he will wait and he will try and help you through this and he will be patient. You see - that’s where you and I are polar opposites - coz I can relate to him there.

Lash - when you are used to just being “with you” - it’s hard to let someone in - when you are ready to do that - you will and with open arms - maybe right now you need to be with “just you” - not saying move out or break up or anything like that - what I mean is - don’t look too far into the future - don’t look as this as “forever” right now - just take each day, as it happens and see what happens - don’t try to predict the future or getting hurt - your defences for whatever reasons are up - they are there to protect you, only you can take them down, and when you are ready to do that, one by one they’ll come down. It may take a while - it may take a long time - if you and he are gonna be together - then his patience will let you take down, build up, take down, build up….. I do believe in the ideal “if it’s meant to be, it will”…. So, apologies if this is all a load of gumph, but thatsme!



HA - “Analysers R Us” - no worries.




Sick bag available - but you’ll be fine…. Steady as she goes and just don’t think too far into the future. Don't try and predict the future .... you can't hun.




And breathe……………..



See what happens - don’t try to force anything - talk to him about how you feel. Try not to be afraid - fear can crush something that could be good. Keep those defences for self-preservation, but hey, he could be a liferaft too - could be the kiss of life.

There's no rush.... you can take your time ...

Just my thoughts to you. Take care.


(oh - I don’t engage brain brilliantly right now - but hey - I’m happy!)


Oh…. one other thing….. and this is probably more about me than you - but you say he’s reliable, caring, honest, tender, you’re nice to each other almost always, and you are "liking" him more …… hunni - do you need passion? Do you maybe need a little more than “nice”…. If you are anything like me (oh, I hope not for your sake), but… passion is something quite big… not the kinda rose in the mouth, bended knee, (sick bag - ugh) and then…. on the kitchen table thing…. - but passion in words, thoughts and how you talk to one another, how you write, what you feel. Do you know what I mean? (mind you - thinking about it - on the kitchen table sounds quite good right now - oh dear, apologies to those with sensibilities - got on one of those moods on tonite!!!!!!)

CJane, couples therapy is a good idea. An objective listener is almost always helpful. Lash, the two of you are having problems that sound as if they won't go away, no matter how hard you try--there is too much emotion invested. Therapy can help tremendously.

Izzie, your writing skills and compassion are rare and extremely helpful. How much do you charge? Just kidding, but you should hang up your shingle. "Dr. Izzie, at your sevice."

{{{{{ Lash }}}}}