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Tue 13 Apr, 2004 04:35 am
One of my brothers in Chicago has been diagnosed with lung cancer. The family just found out about it last week. His ex-girlfriend phoned me, against his wishes. I spoke with his internist today, without his knowledge, and she doesn't sound hopeful at all. Which is why I'm awake at 5am.
To make a long story short, I'm having trouble finding the strength to face this. The idea of traveling 800 miles to see my brother in this condition, possibly dying, is so horrible to me that, right now, wild horses couldn't drag me. My father passed away in 2000, my mother in 2001, and I traveled back and forth and dealt with those wrenching situations until the end but this one, I just can't do it. At least, this is how I feel right now.
I guess my question is, how awful would it be if I don't face it? If I continue to talk with him on the phone every day or so, send him cards and flowers and whatever else he may need or want, but not actually get on a plane and go there. I know my extended family will rake me over the proverbial coals (I don't care about that too much) and it's probably not fair that my other 2 brothers who are there in Chi will have to deal with this without my physical presence and assistance but, at the moment, I'm struggling with feeling like I should be making plans to go ASAP but at the same time, I'm frozen by the nightmare of it all and can't find the courage to book a flight. We all have to force ourselves from time to time to do things that we don't want to do but this time, this one, I can't seem to hurdle.
Does he want you to come out? If not, it would be a convenient excuse to not do it.
My grandfather passed away four and a half years ago from Pancreatic cancer. Maybe it was prostate cancer. I got to see him once right after he was diagnosed terminal, and then waited ten months for him to pass on. I didn't get a chance to see him, but we did talk on the phone and there was communication. I don't feel bad about it, but honestly, I wish I had gotten out there more before he passed. I think what made it easier is that my parents and sister actually ended up doing more. I wasn't in a position to see him after that last time, and we knew that, but if I had made the effort I could have seen him again.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that you should make your decision, then make sure you won't feel guilty about it. I'm not trying to guilt you into going, far from it. But bringing this to light so that you know what's ahead. Of course, it sounds like you're aware of the path you're going to take.
It's not easy, losing someone to cancer. I wish you the best.
I should add that I didn't get any guilt from my parents, sister or grandmother over this. They flew me out for his funeral, and never did they say 'you need to do more'. That helped a lot, too.
People need to realize that every person handles hardship in their own way. You've been there for your parents. If I was your brother (or one of your other brothers) I couldn't fault you for not wanting to face it. Sounds like you've delt with a lot, and they will probably respect that. One hopes they will, at least.
Oh boy - shock indeed.
Giving yourself time is a great idea.
Does he know you know? I assume so!
Are you able to talk easily on the phone?
eoe--
You have my sympathy.
One of the facets of dying--particularly dying at an early age--is the victim's resentment that major choices have suddenly been taken away from him. He is no longer in charge of his life.
This is bitter.
You said that he did not want you to be told. How does he feel about you making the trip north? If he's against it, put all guilt out of your mind. Honoring the wishes of the dying is more important than the collective approval of a censorious and conventional family.
As long as you remain at a physical distance, in contact by phone and e mail rather than face-to-face, he can feel in charge of the situation. A flying weekend visit, full of emotion, is no substitute for regular, frequent phone calls and e mails and envelopes full of diverting clippings and jokes...
Convention be damned right now. Honor his wishes and go with your heart.
Hold your dominion.
Yikes.
Yes, I very much agree with a) give yourself some time and b) if he doesn't want you there, don't overrule him. He may actually prefer that to the rest of the family who insist they know what's best for him.
I think at some point down the line you probably will want to see him. Swimpy has a very moving thread about visiting her dying sister, with whom she'd had a difficult relationship. But this is all so new -- give yourself some time.
I guess i should clear up one thing. Now that the family knows, he's no longer 'hiding out.' I've spoken to him every day since last Friday, he's received numerous calls from family all over. His not wanting me to come is not a question. I even told him that I'd be there in a few weeks, hoping that actually saying this to him would force me to do it. But I can't book the flight.
Not wanting you to come is not a question meaning he doesn't? If so, just say you decided that it is important to respect his wishes. If that brings upon backpedaling... well, actually, he does want to see you... go from there.
Hugs.
What I'm saying is, he never said that he did NOT want me to come.
Sometimes being a Good Person is hard.
Fixing your face for the visit will be much harder than making the promise.
Life isn't fair.
Just remember, you've lived through difficult times before--and a weekend is a finite amount of time.
You are in my thoughts.
What Noddy said, with added hugs.
Thanks everyone. I'm so depressed today, I can barely focus.
Re: Dealing with family illness long distance
eoe wrote: I spoke with his internist today, without his knowledge, and she doesn't sound hopeful at all. Which is why I'm awake at 5am.
I'm no expert in this, but I suspect this is probably a big ole piece of why you're not feeling like you can go see your brother right now. eoe, I wish we could offer you more than virtual hugs and support and a whole collection of eyes to read your thoughts.
I'm normally a proponent of do what you think you can manage, but when friends and family are dying, I think it's important to push yourself as hard as you can to be there if they want/need you. For both of you. Them now, you later.
I don't think anyone's ever told me that they feel they did too much for someone who's dying, but I've sure been told that people wished they had done more or had offered to do more. Regrets, don't wanna have them.
That being said, do what you feel you can handle, and know that we've got your back. (((((eoe)))))
Oh, this is hard. I suppose part of the reason they all want/expect you to come is the natural gathering reaction that families often experience when disaster strikes. They feel a compulsion to get everyone together...as much for their own mutual support as for your brother. I don't know your family members, so I cannot say whether they would be able to help you face this, or whether they need you to help them face it...but there is probably some truth to both.
I'm glad you've been talking to him by phone. You can go there at a later date...once your feelings are more clear. He may not need to see you now as much as he will later.
((((HUGS))))
Much thanks to every one of you for your support. Feeling much better today. I spoke with my brother a few hours ago after his chemo treatment. I was surprised to hear from him, had told him that I wouldn't bother him today but he should call if he felt up to it, after the treatment. He'd received the flowers I'd sent and called to say how beautiful they are.
An aunt called this morning and asked when did I intend to go to Chicago? I simply told her that we're still working on that.
I think, maybe in a week or so, I'll be ready to think about going.
It sounds like he is appreciating your support, and your approach.
It also sounds like he's ready to take a bit of the lead on this, and will tell you what he needs from you.
I'm sorry eoe! I can't even imagine what you're going through. I just don't have the experience.
Have you tried talking with a different internist/doctor/case worker/etc? Maybe a different professional opinion will help you figure out what you need to de.
eoe--
I'm glad your mind is reducing the problem to bite sized bits for coping. My thoughts are with you.
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